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December 29, 2010 Sometimes I think we put ourselves in boxes and then blame the world for why we’re stuck there. Many years ago I challenged myself to find the reason why I had put myself in a box and ultimately on a shelf in the back of the closet. I had something stirring in me that I knew needed to be pulled down, and dealt with, to be explored, handled, dissected and put back together. And so the journey began. I read many self help books, pulled back on the alcohol and found a new hobby of my once dreaded part of working out, running, and I started to research my faith. Not the faith of my family or those around me, but my own faith. The more I learned from all these things, the more I changed. The more I opened my head and my heart, the more that box opened and the more I found myself peeking out of the top. Eventually, I crawled out. Since that time a whirlwind of experiences have followed. Some of the highest high’s I have ever felt in my life, along with the lowest. As I sit here today, I am realizing that some of the lows have inspired me to crawl back into that box and put myself back up on the shelf… the one place I know that I do not belong. Recently, while at my sister’s house, I skimmed through her collection of books and found one of the self-help books that once helped me realize my fears and how to conquer them. I pulled it down and stuck it by my bed, and before I turned out the lights that night, I opened it and I started reading. Fear. Fear is the driving force behind most of the world. People afraid to chase dreams. Afraid they’re not good enough to do what they want to, so instead they settle for a life that is in front of them. Maybe it’s easier that way, but in my experience, that’s the hardest way to live. I’ve wondered how, lately, my life has become exactly that. Hard. Anyone who knows me knows that although I might find myself fearful, I generally don’t shy away from facing it, eventually. One of my biggest fears is that I’m not good enough. My music is simple, my look is undefined, my education is limited and my heart is too sensitive to those qualities and I get hurt far more often than people know. My fear is that I will never make it due to all of those things. The journey I set out on a few years was where I recognized these fears, I learned how to deal with them and put them away, but they have been creeping up on me for a while now, slowly tearing me down while I’m not paying attention. I haven’t been paying attention and I see that now. I haven’t been on guard, and I know that now. I have allowed these fears to build a wall between me, and everything I have ever wanted in my life. Today, as I sit here, I am learning to re-fuel myself for the journey that I’m already on. It’s time to defeat my fears once again. I will admit that I am angry that I let my guard down and that I allowed the fear to resurface, but today I will lay my anger down and face one fear at a time until they’re all back in that box, on the back shelf, and I am living fully throughout the house. I have been hinting around to this plan, this phase two that I have been working on for my career. Many people are curious. I get questions, comments, text and phone calls asking what I’m up to. I act confident, I speak fluently, but honestly, I’m scared to death that I’m going to fail. The investment is high, the challenge is higher, and the gas tank is nearly empty. I have put my faith and my trust in God that He will provide me with the income that I need while I’m focusing on this phase that I feel is as important to my career as my guitar or the voice I use to tell my story. Fear has creeped up on me as I have been in panic mode watching what little savings I have, dwindle down and having this pain in my chest that says, “you’ll never make it, and this is proof”. This is a prime example of fear… and also a test of my faith. Most recently I was watching a sermon from Joel Osteen, who is more like a motivational speaker than a preacher, which I love. He has been talking on confidence, and talent, fear of not being good enough and the power that God has given each of us to follow the dreams He has given us, no matter what. It has been an awesome reminder for me that God put this fire in my belly nearly twenty years ago and never has it gone out. And there is a reason that He has not allowed it to go out,…it’s not meant to. Joel spoke about how so often we compare ourselves to others, “she’s prettier”, “she’s more talented”, “He has more connections”, “He has an education and experience”, all of which are things that run through my head that ultimately fuel my fears. And then he said this… “….the moment God puts the promise in your heart, the moment the dream took root, God established a set time to bring it to pass. He will not give you a promise without a specific time to fulfill it…. Patience is a test of faith, and those who are faithful will see their set time.”
I’m working my way out of that box again, facing fears and learning to have a little more faith. God has never left me, He has never allowed me to fail. He put this dream in my heart and the fire in my belly because that was what He created me to be and what He wanted me to have. That’s my part in this world as we all have a part, ya know? No position, no status, no amount of money, no talent, no education, or prestige makes any of us better than another. Your dream and my dream are of equal value and fear has no place in either of our dreams. Facing the fear of not being good enough is where each one of us have to start, and those who face it, are the ones who live the most fulfilled lives. I am determined to be one of the fulfilled. Phase two is exhausting, but I refuse to believe that God didn’t give me the ability to beat it all… afterall… He gave me this gift and the one thing I know for sure, God never forgets the batteries, not ever. Today, I remembered where batteries the are. The book: Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten The sermon: Joel Osteen |
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Having Christmas just pass us, it reminded me of the times I’ve received gifts that required batteries, only…. They forgot to give me batteries. It happens to the best of us, as I’m sure I’ve forgotten to include the batteries before as well. But the one thing that I know for sure is that God never forgets the batteries, not ever. He gives each one of us a gift, something that we have always wanted, the one gift we were/are so excited to open… and he never, ever, forgets the batteries. He wont give you a gift without also giving you the ability to use it. He gives you the tools, the power, the ability… the batteries.